You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
Holy shit dude........stairs
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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