The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
READY
for what?
TO HAVE SEXXXX
i think you have the wrong number
dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
Yeah things got weird. You ate an entire bag of hotdog buns, then tried to catch a tree on fire with a candle.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
