Ate lunch. Still drunk. Keep forgetting I'm in Texas but then I look around at the people and remember.
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
I may puke in class so I'm excited to see how that goes
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
Randomize
