He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
We fucked so hard that when I orgasmed I tore his towel rack off the wall. He was more impressed than mad.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
Hello my rib-scented angel!
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize