So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
N I'm drinking this invention I call "do-it-fluid" I had a bottle of vodka that was 3/4th empty, so I put in 1/4th rum, 1/4th tequila, 1/4th whisky... it's definitely the worst idea ever..
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
His mom showed up at my doorstep, begging me to take him back for him
Where do you find these people?
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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