p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
Every time a guy reaches down to touch my vag, i feel really sorry for all the transgender girls who still have a penis there.
That's weird cause every time i feel a girls vag i feel way worse for all the guys who reached down there and got a penis.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
