My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
Yea, you were talking about how you did not want to be a reindeer for at least 5 minutes.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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