The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.
there needs to be a build-a-bong store...
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
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