got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
WTF ARE YOU DOING IT'S FUCKING VEGAN COFFEE IT'S MADE WITH NUT MILK YOU'RE NOT A FUCKING SQUIRREL.
Randomize
