I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
You were chugging tap water out of a running blender screaming "bubbles is Perrier mother fucker"
All I know is that I woke up with my pajamas on inside out in front of a bowl of watered down kd. Sitting up. I didn't even make it to bed.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
I wore home his HoHoHo boxers. I've never felt such a connection to an article of clothing.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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