I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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