She rode me to the beat of Baby Got Back. I swear to god.
Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I’m home.
I’m aware. I just dropped you off.
Randomize
