I bet he comes in French.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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