I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
if it makes you feel any better you looked really comfortable while you were sleepin in the closet, atleast according to the pictures i woke up with on my phone
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
Randomize
