Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
I think I won the penis lottery.
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
If throwing a bottle across the bar, hitting a skank in the head and not getting caught was an Olympic event, you'd bring merica the gold every time
My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
Why is the floor coated in a 2 inch blanket of popcorn??
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
Randomize
