I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.
Last night was the twilight zone. We hungout with our 45 year old future selves and tried to fuck everything with a dick. Lets move forward from this.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Not at all! I'll let your potential employer know you have a huge dick
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
As a paramedic, it's completely unacceptable to black out on a monday. I cant handle 3 dollar shot night.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
Randomize
