You can't special order awesome
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
In a car. Threw up in my mouth. Haven't said a word in 10 minutes.
How was the rest of your night?
A little fuzzy and a lot naked.
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
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