For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.
Haha o man how much you've grown. From beer bonging wine and wearing cargo shorts to well, beer bonging beer and wearing cargo shorts
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Randomize
