I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
so my car got towed last night. I didnt know it cost 118 dollars to have a college experience
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
He had a joint rolled for us when he picked me up. It's how ASU does romance
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
Drugs are gluten free tho, right?
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
