Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
we're tailgating intramural basketball with hard drugs and tequila...and i think the players are taking shrooms
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
He’s disease free and drives a Porsche. What else does a girl need?
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