How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I need rollerblades now
Rollerblades pick up bitches
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
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