you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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