I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
If you want it you better put a ring on it. And by ring I mean one of my three favorite pies.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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