He used his penis as a puppet and sang Rihanna's Hard..... so no, we will never see each other again.
defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
I just did the nutritional comparison between 2% milk and Bud Light Lime.. the beer had less calories, less carbs, and less fat. It's not looking good for milk in my life anymore
He was sweet. He even warned me that his dick curved, and I quote, "more than a banana."
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
On an unrelated note, i found out who duct taped shoelaces to my face
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Laying in bed nude eating a Big Mac with a cat. It's gonna be a good year.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
side note: on a scale of 1-10, how bad an idea is it to hook up with 9 cats guy?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
Randomize