yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
Holy shit dude........stairs
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
