woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
He called from a stranger phone to say. He was a t a liquior store and there was a long line they have no condoms. This is the guy i was gonna go on a date with
Atleast he is letting you know he will be late
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
Randomize
