So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I queefed so loud it echoed.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
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