you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
you start one little fire by the lake and the police want to talk to you all night...
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
