A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
We need to go to the store an get depends. I really don't want to be bothered with the bathroom this weekend.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
My Canadian brought me three bottles of maple syrup, a sunflower, and a pair of Oakleys back to the states...he's either drunk or he loves me
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
