Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
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