Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
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