Maybe I lied like you did about your herpes.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
i cant get the smell of ass out of my nose
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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