You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Now he's lighting his socks on fire
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
All I'm saying is this is the exact reason I should not be left unsupervised.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
