If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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