I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
can you blow me for old times sake
only for old times sake
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I don't know. Seeing the vagina stretched out beyond normal proportions is like watching your favorite superhero die.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
