Just because we had intercourse doesn't mean we're friends.
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
Randomize
