So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
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