If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
He told me he wanted to break up so he could get "closer to God."
Does God suck his dick?
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Omg! I'm gonna have a heat stroke. I'm going to collect my sweat and drink it for a buzz and hydration purposes
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
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