he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Next guy I fuck must be a cowboy
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
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