She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
Church boner. Awkwardddd
If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
So I definitely fucked a guy while holding on to his pigtails like reigns last night.
The most literal cowgirl position ever.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
