Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
bring the pregnancy test and the margarita mix, see you in 15
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
