I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
Why did you take off so early
No more beer. And also. Threesome. Maybe. Ill let you know.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
he referred to my room as the tit cave...
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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