After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
So apparently I twerked on my coworkers last night. One month at the new job n I guess this is how I'm getting to know people
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