Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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