Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
You were so drunk that you didn't even notice when I switched out your shot of jäger for a shot of maple syrup...before or after you drank it.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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