ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
Great way to live...just blowing loads on upholstery
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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