He started yelling "we're making a baby" mid thrust.. probably not the right guy for me right?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
I just found a piece of dried shredded carrot on my bed
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
Randomize
