On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I do not mind being torn from the first touches of sleep to see a man who looks like that
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
