You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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