When we were fucking i started barking and growling at her.. you shoulda seen her face
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
We learned many a lesson today about drug use in canoes
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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