just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I got so stoned last night I thought I was in second grade again
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
I walked into your room and you were wearing party beads, a foam finger, and reading the dictionary. Good night?
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
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