well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"
i dunno what you eat but your cum is all over my underwear and it smells like pretzels
Woke up naked in another mans house. If that keeps happening, then I probably need to go gay. You know to make it ok.
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
Be ready for a dog pile. On your head. With my ass.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
