At least make sure they are 18
Why
May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
