Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
Just had a threesome with a married couple.
Stop living my dream.
I love you. Go after that dick
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
Just took an Adderall with Pedialyte so I think that's a valid answer to "how are you doing"
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
