Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
We played 2 very competitive games of Jenga and then fucked our brains out... BEST. RELATIONSHIP. EVER.
Randomize
