you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
In times of desperation, never...NEVER put green apple scented hand sanitizer on your vagina.
I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
Oh, and one of the worst parts... his name was Mario. I fucked a Nintendo character.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
