No awkward lesbian experiences without me
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
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