So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
