come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.
Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
It's like bringing a chick home from the bar the night before and waking up to thinking you are about to go another round... Just to wake up and find she's already left...
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
I was peeing in the bathroom at this house party when a guy just casually stumbles out of the shower
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
