The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
If walking through the neighborhood with a bottle of tequila and margarita mix is postgrad life, I'm okay with it
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
How is it that I can make it to my 8am Friday morning still drunk after passing out the night before...but not to my 9am on Tuesday that I went to bed early for? Irony or karma?
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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