i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
