I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
We've completely outdone ourselves. We packaged a collective total of six grams of pot and salvia into little bowl-sized tinfoil capsules. It's totally impossible to tell which is which without comparing, every Friday from now on we pick one out and see what the fuck happens
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
all his sexual metaphors involve condiments, should I worry?
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize