I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Randomize
