I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
babies were throwing up all over the place
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
Another weekend, another 3 guys I have to awkwardly avoid while crossing campus...
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
just to let ya know we might have to take a stripper snowboardin sometime
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Randomize
