Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
Is it sad the checkout lady had to inform my mom she can't buy alcohol before 8am?
hey sorry i didnt call i just got out of jail, so you still dtf ?
Randomize
