We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
While randomly hooking up with my neighbor last night he says "it's okay we're neighbors".
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Not sure if your roommate speaks German while sleeping, or if she woke up, figured out we were fucking, and used German to swear at us.
not sure if actually covered in glitter or just drunk
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
Randomize
