This is how I know I have no life... Jon and Kate are my emotional roller coaster.
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
Randomize
