He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
he invited me over. we listened to jazz, smoked weed, then cerebrally fucked each other over a three hour game of chess
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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